The best tips are reminders. Things you’ve already heard, but could spend more time thinking about.
Differences?
I’ve learnt a handful of useful things in an already long life. Perhaps the most useful has been to recognise how fundamentally different people can be from one another.
On TV, or in the social media, you often come across people saying that we need to remember that “we’re all human beings.” If this implies that we have needs in common, or share life-experiences, it is already a half-truth. And if it means that we are fundamentally similar, as human beings, it is both stupid and dangerous.
Yes, we all need food and drink, and somewhere to sleep. But we are rarely like one another. And if, when meeting people or working with them or socialising, you expect them to be different from you, in a range of specific ways, you may lead a less stressful and more productive life.
Taste buds
Take the simple matter of taste buds. Here are 2 critical facts.
- People vary quite extremely in the overall number of taste buds they have.
- There are at least 4 groups of taste buds. People vary extremely in the number of buds in each group that they have.
So when you and someone else are eating or drinking the same things, what they taste may be quite different from what you taste. And either of you may be able to taste something which the other person cannot taste at all.
Experience and behaviour
Tastes may seem a small matter. But it’s worth remembering that in something like this, where your own experience is so immediate and definite, that someone else’s experience may be different.
And that extends into the rest of life. Keep a watchful eye on your most definite reactions to anything—reactions which seem to you simply “normal”, or “common sense.” Another person’s “normal” may be quite different from your own.
Taking this further: types of people
We can simply accept differences. Or we can try to understand them. To my mind, the most useful extra knowledge that any of us can acquire comes from recognising that someone else’s feelings and habits may be linked—that they are a particular type of person.
I’m sure there will be developments, but in my view the most useful typology that psychologists have so far come up with is the Myers-Briggs typology. It allows for 16 different types, based on 4 either/or preferences, established by the answers to over 100 questions. 16 may not seems a large number, but in the years since I came across it, I have managed to discover the Myers-Briggs type of hundreds of people: colleagues, fellow students on courses, clients, friends, family, and many others, and I have found that being alert to typical linked differences keeps you happlily aware of how specifically different we are.
If you are curious about your own type, you can find tests all over the Web, but only the official MBTI test can be guaranteed, and it will cost you money.
Extroverts and introverts
One of the 4 MBTI either/or preferences is Extrovert/Introvert. Why I particularly distrust the free tests is that many of them assume the popular difference between extroverts and introverts: ‘outgoing’ versus ‘inward-looking.’
For what it is worth, while extroverts may be stimulated by other people, they are also more likely to find them stressful than introverts, because other people matter more to the extrovert than they do to the introvert. The typical extrovert hates being caught out and is liable to dwell on past embarrassments.
The typical introvert, on the other hand, is independent-minded—motivated rather than stimulated into action, and more likely to suffer from guilt, their own condemnation, than from shame. While the extrovert thrives on praise, the introvert thrives on doing what is (in their own eyes) the right thing.
Likeness: love and friendship
You may have reacted dismissively to my assertion that we are rarely like one another. You may have a partner or colleagues or friends that you yourself are very much like. And if you are exactly the same psychological type as another person, there will of course be very few settled differences for you to take account of. In a quite straightforward way, you will be alike.
Friendships may well survive on this basis. Colleagues may do better work. On the other hand, it seems from the research that teams often need people of different types—and people rarely fall in love with people of their own exact type.
Of course, this is a topic which needs exploring in greater depth than this one-off tip needs. I simply mention it in case you suppose me to be saying that people are never alike—just don't expect it!
Recognition and action
One last point. Am I suggesting that we simply put up with other people’s behaviour, because they are different from us?
Not at all. Most of the time, it’s sensible to accept and work with the differences that we recognise. Our life will gain from this.
However, it goes without saying that we always have the right to draw the line. Where it matters, we can work hard to change people’s minds. We can prevent people from doing things. We may even be able to outwit them. (Of course, the clearer we are about the specifc type of person we are dealing with, the more efficient such actions will be.)